During our years in ministry, my husband and I have left churches for a variety of reasons.
Sometimes it was because our theological convictions no longer aligned with a particular church. In other situations, practical considerations for our growing family led us to a new congregation. Given these experiences, I have always understood that leaving a church is not necessarily an act of rebellion or bitterness. Christians can have faithful, God-honoring reasons for making the difficult decision to move on.
Therefore, when our family found ourselves on the receiving end of friends leaving our church, I wanted to keep my heart open and support their transition. My desire was to encourage them and remind them that our friendship was not confined to the walls of a church building.
However, after their departure, communication gradually began to wane, and I learned more about the circumstances surrounding their decision to leave. Several months later, the wife reached out and asked if we could get together. I genuinely looked forward to our time together. My hope was to encourage her, express Christ’s love, and demonstrate that our friendship could continue despite the circumstances surrounding her family’s departure.
Our conversation was cordial, and we were able to speak openly about several things. Yet I left feeling unexpectedly burdened. While nothing particularly harsh was said, I came away with the impression that she viewed many of her circumstances through the lens of being wronged. There had also been rumors that she and her husband had encouraged others to leave the church, and the timing and manner of their departure had already raised questions in my mind. As I reflected on our conversation, I found myself wondering if my desire to believe the best had kept me from recognizing some difficult realities sooner.
Perhaps you’ve experienced something similar during your time as a Pastor’s wife.
Maybe you’ve entered a conversation hoping to encourage someone, only to leave feeling discouraged or questioning what had just transpired. In moments like these, we want to extend grace, yet Scripture also calls us to exercise discernment and wisdom.
First, the apostle Paul reminds us, “Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all” (Romans 12:17-18). Sometimes, despite our best efforts, peace is not possible because another person’s heart is not pursuing peace. That realization can be painful, but it should not surprise us in a fallen world where sin affects every relationship.
Second, Proverbs 4:23 tells us, “Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life“. Guarding our hearts does not mean becoming cynical or suspicious of everyone. Rather, it means exercising Biblical wisdom, recognizing when a conversation is fruitful and when it may be drawing us into discouragement, confusion, or unnecessary conflict.
Third, Jesus instructed His disciples to be “wise as serpents and innocent as doves” (Matthew 10:16). What a beautiful balance. As believers, we are called to love generously, believe the best where we can, and seek reconciliation whenever possible. Yet we are also called to exercise discernment. Loving our brothers and sisters in Christ does not require us to ignore patterns of unhealthy behavior or ongoing sin. Grace and wisdom are not enemies – they are companions.
Fourth, there are times when we must recognize that not every conversation is spiritually fruitful. We cannot change another person’s heart; only the Holy Spirit can do that. Our responsibility is to love faithfully, “…speak the truth in love” (Ephesians 4:15), and entrust the outcome to God.
Looking back on my experience, I do not regret meeting with my old friend when she reached out. I would rather risk disappointment than miss an opportunity to show the love of Christ. At the same time, the Lord reminded me that compassion must be accompanied by discernment. We are called to be the hands and feet of Jesus, but we are also called to guard our hearts and walk in wisdom.
Ministry is filled with both joy and heartache because it involves people. People who are still being sanctified, just as we are.
There will be times when relationships are strained, motives are misunderstood, and reconciliation is incomplete. Even then, we can rest in the confidence that God sees what we cannot. He alone knows every heart, every motive, and every circumstance. Our calling is not to judge perfectly but to love faithfully and trust Him with what we cannot see.
May we be people who love deeply, forgive freely, discern wisely, and entrust every relationship to the Lord.
Many Blessings,
Rose
